That's the reason you're here anyway, right?
I want to explain something...
I had an "Aha" moment last week. I grew up having both of my parents in the house with me until I was 15, even after my parents divorced, both parents were present! But I also grew up around a multitude of fatherless (and sometimes motherless too) boys in my life. They were called thugs and told they would be nothing.
When you're a child, especially an African-American male child, and you have no one there to affirm that you can be anything you want and that you are important, you BELIEVE what your teachers, family members, CHURCH members, and everybody else tell you about yourself. You believe that you're worthless. You believe that your days are leading you to a dead-end. Death, prison, or poverty is what they have to look forward to. I commend grandparents, foster parents and other guardians for stepping up and taking care of children that don’t necessarily belong to them, my grandmother did it and my mother is doing it now; however, there is always a void left when children have to wonder why their parents didn’t want to be there. Some children handle that void differently than others.
I have, with my own ears, heard mothers tell their sons “Stop crying like a little b**ch!” They’re conditioned to suppress their emotions and man up when no one has ever been there to tell them what “man up” even means. Crying is a sign of weakness in the black community. We expect them to forget about all that happened to them and magically grow up to be model citizens, and stand-up husbands and perfect fathers. How??? We try to beat them into behaving without getting to the root of their issues. The people who conceived and birthed them deserted them, neglected, and/or ignored them for temporal satisfactions, addictions, or for a man/woman. Some of our sons are even sexually abused but expected to man up. Some watch their mothers be abused by their fathers or step-fathers.
All of this is happening to them with NO PROFESSIONAL HELP. No Therapy. No counseling. They’re just told to get over it all and be a man with no manual and no real examples. Just stop being a b-word and figure it out. You’re a man; we don’t care about your feelings because you shouldn’t have any except for when it’s time to love your wife and children. Hmm… see how that sounds? If we don’t show them real love, how will they know love and how to provide it?
My grandmother’s house was the hang out spot. Over the years, I watched boys become men doing the same thing they were doing 20 years before. I’m not knocking anyone but my grandmother, being the sweet soul that she was, opened her home to all and it made her house a target of violence and a lot of my family members were vacuumed into becoming products of their environments.
We fail children when we force them to grow up with no guidance and unfit examples to follow. Parents set their children up for failure when they selfishly conceive children that they aren’t prepared to make sacrifices for. “I gotta live my own life too” is the most selfish statements I have heard come from parents.
So what happens? Some of these men find “love, loyalty, respect, and popularity” in the streets. It’s hard recovering from the streets. The streets hands him over to the system, the system may spit him back to the streets. Now he can’t find a decent job if he wants to. So now back to the streets and then back to the system. Do you see the cycle? This is not always the case but most times it is.
Do you recognize someone you know in this? How do you help him? Empower him. Pray for him. Love him. Don’t enable him to continue in his cycle. Hold him accountable for his actions and life. Be a friend… a listening ear. Tell him that we all cry sometimes and it is okay. He has that right because life has been rough for him. Tell him you believe in him. He can do whatever he sets his mind to. Mentor him. Offer him a way out. Tell him about Jesus because Jesus transforms people. He won’t change overnight but I bet your positive affirmations make a huge difference.
If you have children, show them attention, love, and affection. Allow them to feel and just be there. If they experience something traumatic get them PROFESSIONAL help. If they show signs of mental illness, GET THEM HELP, professional help. Our people tend to believe that if you are physically healthy, then you’re perfectly fine.
P.S This is not to bash parents but to bring awareness to a real issue in our community. Sometimes the cycle goes on from generation to generation. Granddad was a rolling stone, so Dad wasn’t loved properly so he couldn’t love properly and the cycle continues on and on. We call this a generational curse.
Disclaimer: Ladies, this is not an excuse to put up with foolishness.
So my husband and I are working on year 6 of marriage. Things are good but here’s the thing from my perspective as WIFE. I had a legit epiphany. When we married I was 23 and full of life. Two years later, we had a baby, experienced some deaths in the family and financial struggles. So I started sacrificing my self-care time. After a while, you just get comfortable and let life kind of pass you by.
So on social media, I’ve noticed that women change COMPLETELY after a break-up. “Change” is not even the word; it’s more of a transformation that occurs! I mean new hair styles, new bodies, new wardrobes, new attitudes… Just brand new! I started to reflect on myself and how I have just stopped putting in extra effort to look sexy for him, except for special occasions. Why do women wait until it’s over with a significant other to “transform?” I don’t want that.
I’ve always asked my husband to tell me when he believes I have become too comfortable or if he finds that I’m no longer physically attractive but let’s be honest. Would I really receive that well though? Nah. Not really. So thankfully, I’m having a bit of a reality check on my own. Sometimes as a woman, I get so lost into being a MOMMY that I forget to be a WIFE.
Bonnets to bed are okay…SOMETIMES; but not every night. His t-shirt is cool every now and then but not every night. So it’s your day off? Get up put yourself together and be cute. Just put effort into yourself. If not for him then DO IT FOR YOU!
What is a SOUL TIE? A soul tie is an emotional or spiritual connection between two people that is not easily broken and is usually caused by certain actions. The most common soul tie is formed between two people who have had sex. Not all soul ties are good soul ties. Let’s discuss some of the signs of being tied by an unhealthy soul tie.
7 signs you’re in an unhealthy soul tie:
Can a soul tie be broken?
Yes! Some would disagree but with MUCH prayer and WILL, a soul tie can be broken. If a person is not ready to break it, then it won’t be broken. It can take years to finally break a soul tie but, again, it can be done. I remember forming soul tie after soul tie and trying to figure out why I had BI-POLAR DISORDER symptoms… taking on unclean spirits from men who cared NOTHING for my spirit. If a person loves you, they love all of you, including MIND, BODY, and SOUL!
Can you identify with any of these signs?
From the day I laid eyes on you. Your spirit intrigued mine. I just wanted to know you but 9 months later you became my husband. From conversation to conversation, I learned more and more reasons to fall deeper in love with you. You've endured so much but you stand so strong. That amazes me. You love hard. You're passionate about what you believe in and love and most times that works in my favor. Lol.
I love everything about you. From the way you make sure I get off to work safely every morning to you saying, "Watch your step, bae." From your laugh to how serious you are about your craft and gifts. I love every fiber of your being. You’re so caring and compassionate.
Often times, you're misunderstood but I understand you perfectly. No, you aren't perfect but you're perfect for me. You're the best mentor and our son believes that you can do anything. You're our superman. I thank you for your hard work and dedication to your family. I appreciate you for the way you love and understand me. You made a commitment to love me for life, knowing that things wouldn't always be sunshine and breezy but you've been here with me even through storms and rain. When I'm not so sweet and pleasant, you love me through it and you're patient with me. I know I can be two hands full every now and then but you've proven to be the man for the job. LOL No but really... thank you. I think sometimes in marriages we get so comfortable and we take our spouses for granted. We forget to say please and thank you. We forget the random acts of kindness. We forget to serve and cherish each other. I don't want to get that comfortable...EVER.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you and I can't see my life without you and it's a wonder how I ever lived without you. I’ve heard many women say, “I don’t need a man.” Listen, you’re my best friend and my lifelong partner… I need you! No shame in my game. Marrying you over 5 years ago was the best decision I have ever made. Thank you for being my husband and for being so good at it. I believe that God tailor made you just for ME! You rock baby!
I went through a lonely period... well several, but this one period in particular was right before I met my husband. I was surrounded by family and friends, yet lonely. It was during that time when I met two of the MOST IMPORTANT people in my life.... JESUS and me. He isolated me intentionally. He wanted one-on-one time with me but before I had been too preoccupied. During that time I learned how to spend time alone and enjoy my own company. Movie dates...alone. Eating out...alone. In my room, windows up, listening to music... alone. Walks in the park... alone. Reading my bible, alone. I was fine with spending time with me...finally. God needed me to know Him and myself before adding anyone else to the equation. I learned that I avoided time alone because it left me stuck dealing with my own personal issues but it allowed God to work on me and I am better because of it.